Stressful Semester

Hello it's been a while! jk I haven't posted here since September 2020, almost a year hshshhshsh

So today, finally, effing finally!!!!! my 2nd year 2nd semester in university has ended! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I can finally breathe! 

I don't know why but this semester is the worst semester of all i've been through. It's like...so stressful from day 1. I don't know whether it's a side effect of being in a pandemic for so long. But the stress is unbearable..it's like I'm alive but I'm dead too.

First of all, my uni decided to do 10-week lectures then mid sem break then continue with 4 more weeks. Usually, it's 7/7 but this time they did the schedule differently, maybe because they want to put the raya holiday in the midsem break also. At first, I was like.. oh okayy I think I can manage this coz usually the midsem break is full of assignments too, so what's the difference? But then, as I went through it.. it was so depressing. From day 1, I was so tired. I've encountered difficult lecturers, difficult subjects that I don't understand but need to study by myself, a pile of assignments that didn't seem to decrease. Plus, I joined the society club as a committee so it took a toll on me too. Of course, there are good lecturers too and good groupmates, I am thankful for them. But still, the stress was there. Maybe because it was during Ramadhan too.

What I hate the most is, we were squeezed with assignments tests presentations and so on through the 10 weeks then we only get a 7-day break. Haha and it includes raya holiday and weekends also. I was like...what??? 7 exactly effing days! And y'know the break started a day, A DAYYY, before raya and ended in the middle of the week. Not to mention, many assignments were due after the break. Imagine how tired it was, imagine we cannot rest even just for a while.

I felt so lost and horrible. I lived in constant fear. The rest I got was only when I was procrastinating. Every time I think of all the works I need to do, of all the classes I need to attend and be prepared for. What worse was bcoz it's online, so we sleep and work in the same room, the same place. We cannot go outing bcoz of the MCO, I understand, but you know the feeling of being trapped there was overwhelming. I skipped classes, I never did that before this but it was so tiring this sem. I felt like I'm a robot, that wake up in the morning just to do the things that have to be done. I didn't have time to do arts, to enjoy the moment. Even chatting with people on whatsapp is tiring. I woke up every day, feeling pissed and annoyed.

And the uni management is... I donno. They talked like they care but all they did was hanging those mental health banners, conducting mental health seminars..what's the point of that when the root cause is you? 

Dangg I don't know what I've been talking about but I just want to say it all here hshshsh. But I'm grateful that it's over now (not really over coz I have one more assignment and three final exams) but well I feel calmer now. I'm grateful for the people that bear with me, for the kind lecturers that make things easy. Thank you.

Now that I get a break, I want to fix my daily schedule, I want to learn new things that I enjoy. I hope I can be a better me, coz I hate myself during this sem. I've been really lazy, I feel like a bad person.

That's all. Oh and I think I want to start writing here back! Coz I always overthink, but I keep it all in my mind without pouring it out, maybe that's one of the reasons I've been so stressed. And sorry for my broken english hsshshhs 

See ya later!

Yours truly,